


freedom of falling (the feeling i thought was set in stone)

by watchedyouburn



Series: our young hearts fade [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eddie centric, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Polyamory, So here we are, and bitch slap eddie everytime he does something dumb, bring lena back 2k20, but then eddie barged in and was like dude u thought, eddie's heart aches a lot in this one, lena bosko being her awesome self as always, on why buddie aren't married yet, petition for her to randomly come back in season four, the author turns to the destruction of heteropatriarcal relationship patterns to find answers, this fic was supposed to be abt buck and eddie and josh, y'all know he WILL, you get some bobby wisdom thrown in there for good mesure as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24296389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watchedyouburn/pseuds/watchedyouburn
Summary: God, how he loves this man. How he loves the life they’ve built and the family they’ve found.“You’re awfully quiet over there,cariño” he says as a distraction, for fear of spilling out everything else. Not that Buck doesn’t know. He knows. But Eddie is still struggling with his own fear of opening up. He's still struggling with his own fear of letting anyone see and understand him. Even though somewhere deep down he knows Buck’s always seen and understood him without needing to hear the words he has to say. That is just a step he has to take for himself.They’re like rivers and oceans, he thinks. Intricately linked, flowing into each other at the junction.ORWhat Buck's relationship with Josh changes for Eddie... and what it doesn't.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo
Series: our young hearts fade [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1753849
Comments: 7
Kudos: 79





	freedom of falling (the feeling i thought was set in stone)

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be a quick side fic abt the whole eddie/buck/josh dynamic in my "our young hearts fade" fic and then this happened lmao. let's just say it got out of my hands and decided to get a life of its own.
> 
> you can read it as part of the series or as a stand-alone fic, there are just some things mentioned here from the other one but nothing that would keep you from understanding the plot!
> 
> title from waves by dean lewis

“Oh man. I am so tired. I am getting way too old to climb buildings” Eddie sighs, collapsing on the hammock Buck offered them a couple of years ago. It sways dangerously under his weight, its attaches creaking loudly in the quietness of the evening. Eddie lets out a startled whine and Buck giggles wholeheartedly. Eddie throws him a murdering look as it settles under him. “Not funny” he scowls.

“A little bit funny” Buck answers, still giggling. He wipes an imaginary tear from his eye and sits down on the lawn chair a couple of feet away. “You should have seen your face.”

“I hate you” Eddie growls, stretching his neck. 

It’s a Friday night that feels just like the beginning of life. Summer is right around the corner and the air is both sweet and light, filled with lights and the scent of hopefulness. Birds are chirping happily and LA almost seems to be in slumber, amazed by the fluttering of life all around it. Christopher is at his best friend’s house for the whole week-end. Eddie wasn’t too keen on it at first but the young boy managed to convince him with one of his crazily sweet smiles and the help of one complacent, conspiring Evan Buckley. They just got off a twelve hours shift that felt like a twenty-four hours one and Eddie is _spent_. 

“You’re so dramatic, Eddie” Buck grins, picking up where the conversation left off. “You’re thirty-three, not fifty.”

Eddie scruffs up his nose. “Ugh, don’t remind me. How does Bobby do it? I’ll be all stiff and strained by then.”

Buck takes a gulp of his beer, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “That’s because you don’t stretch enough after exercising, you big dummy. I told you you should stretch at least fifteen minutes after each workout at least a thousand times.”

Eddie crosses his arms sulkily. “You are so annoying.”

Buck grins brightly to him, winking. “You say that because you know I’m right. Idiot.”

“You’re the idiot.”

“Please. I stretch.”

“That’s your argument for you not being an idiot? Remind me again who almost got a concussion last week because they decided catching a dog falling down the third floor of a burning building was more important than their own health and ended up hitting their head on the pavement?”

“He was barking in terror Eddie! Off course I was gonna try and catch him! The poor thing was so frightened it was trembling way after his owner got him back.”

“You’re not helping your point.”

It’s Buck’s turn to sink into his chair sulkily. “You’re just jealous of my heroic traits.”

Eddie scoffs at that, grabbing the beer he’d left on the floor next to the hammock before sitting down in it. “Please. I think I’m a pretty good contender when it comes to playing the hero. I just don’t wind up hurting myself as much because I’m _careful_.”

Buck raises a skeptical eyebrow, bringing his beer to his lips. “You sure about that Superman? Seem to forget how someone’s been banned from doing rope rescue for the past three months because they decided to cut their rope to save someone. _Again_.”

Eddie shrugs. “I really don’t see what you’re talking about”. He squirms in his hammock though, clearly uncomfortable. A child’s life had been on the line and as always when it comes to children, Eddie had thought with his heart, not his brain, and acted accordingly. Which had meant cutting his rope as it was too small to reach the stuck elevator, landing on it and then having to climb back up to the closest floor with a child clinging helplessly to him. When he’d gotten out Buck had slammed into him and held on for dear life before letting go and starting to yell at him, telling him he had to stop doing this to them, to _him_ , and that if he ever did that again he would kill him himself. He’d only calmed down when Chimney had put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and squeezed, telling him that Eddie was gonna be okay, that he was alive and that was all that mattered. Buck had deflated and fallen apart then, his legs giving out under him. Chimney had caught him in his arms and looked helplessly at Eddie over Buck’s shoulder. He’d felt his heart break with worry and guilt and hadn’t dared to reach out to his partner. 

Later, back at the firehouse, Bobby had called for him to meet him in his office and told him he was banned from rope rescue as long as he wasn't cleared by a specialist that deemed him capable to act accordingly to the book in those situation and not let his emotions take over his common sense. He’d gotten out of there with a stern scolding and one week of cleaning duty.

It had not been a good day for him. 

“I’m sorry” he whispers eventually, after the silence has dragged on for a little while as they both relived their own memories of that day.

Buck reaches out and puts a hand on his calf, the closest part of him that he can get to. He rubs his thumb soothingly on the naked skin there and gives him a half smile. “It’s okay, Eddie. You did the best you could with what you had”. He pauses and glances away to where the spring breeze is ruffling softly through the tree leaves. “I’m not mad at you, you know? I only reacted this way because I thought I’d lost you again.”

Eddie gets up from his lying position and crouches in front of Buck. He cups his face in his hands and sinks his gaze into Buck’s mesmerising ocean one. “I know Buck. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an apology for what I put you through back there.”

Buck gulps, holding back impromptu sobs as his mind wanders through the day again. “I know saving people is who you are. Hell, I don’t even know, I understand better than anyone else. But there are moments I wish you’d choose your family over strangers and I feel terrible about it.”

Eddie brushes his right thumb over Buck’s cheekbone, a loving gesture he’s come to do almost every time they’re together. “It’s alright, Buck. Sometimes I wish you’d choose your family over strangers too. But that’s not who we are, right? Besides, you know that no matter what happens, I’ll always fight to come back to my family.”

This time Buck can’t hold back his sob and it makes Eddie’s heart aches. He takes the other man in his arms and for a few minutes they hold each other quietly, comforting themselves through the sole presence of the other. Eventually Eddie’s legs start to cramp and he gets back up but not before he’s kissed the younger man’s brow soothingly. 

He goes back to the hammock, settling himself in more gently this time.

“Who knew this night would turn so angsty” Buck scoffs.

Eddie grins playfully to him. “I’ve heard from a reliable source that we’ve been branded as the most overly dramatic, angsty and sensationally emotional duo of the whole LAFD.”

Buck’s head turns sharply from where he’d let his eyes wander back onto the tree leaves. “ _What?_ ” he shouts theatrically, wagging his arms in the air. “Who told you that? That’s so not true! I’m not dramatic _at all_!”

Eddie bursts out laughing then, so hard he clutches at his sides and has to think hard so as to not fall over. Buck is soon to join him and then they’re gone, giggling uncontrollably.

“Oh man” Buck hiccups, this time wiping a real tear from his eye. “Okay, so I might be _a little_ dramatic.”

Eddie raises a disbelieved eyebrow at him. “Uh. A little” he echoes sarcastically.

Buck huffs - dramatically, some might say. “I will not dignify this with an answer.”

It’s enough to send them into another fit of laughter, both clutching at their sides again, Eddie trying really hard to not fall off the hammock. Buck’s laughter keeps getting interrupted by him hiccuping, which only manages to get them laughing twice as hard.

Their laughter settles eventually and they fall into an easygoing silence, content to just be spending time with the other. 

Eddie can’t help but peer at Buck behind his beer, studying the man he’s come to see as his best friend and partner in every aspect of his life. 

Lights dwindle around the porch, dancing over his face in a swirl of lulling delicacy as the sun sets. Dusk is shedding its sleek glow on the shape of his cheekbones, the plump of his lips, the glistening of his eyes, the sharp lines of his brow, as though it’s walking with an old friend, Eddie thinks. Sunlight agrees with Buck as though it’s greeting its own child, he thinks as well. The inner light saluted by the husky beams as they wave their goodbye. Until the next day.

God, how he loves this man. How he loves the life they’ve built and the family they’ve found.

“You’re awfully quiet over there, _cariño_ ” he says as a distraction, for fear of spilling out everything else. Not that Buck doesn’t know. He knows. But Eddie is still struggling with his own fear of opening up. He's still struggling with his own fear of letting anyone see and understand him. Even though somewhere deep down he knows Buck’s always seen and understood him without needing to hear the words he has to say. That is just a step he has to take for himself.

They’re like rivers and oceans, he thinks. Intricately linked, flowing into each other at the junction.

“Ah. You know. Just thinking.”

“What about?”

“Love, I suppose? Both as an abstract idea and as the people I see when I think the word. You. Maddie. Chris. The 118. Josh.”

Eddie tilts his head. They started dating around his thirty-third birthday, Buck bringing him to the firehouse’s Halloween party. They fit each other in a way that’s foreign to Eddie, but that seems to work for them. They’re both about the grand gestures and spending nights out with Maddie and Chim playing poker or catching an old classics at an open-air cinema. It’s a different kind of intimacy that the one he has with the younger man, but Eddie can see they make each other happy. Buck’s cheerful and reassuring personality is exactly what Josh needed after the awful events of last year and Josh’s soundness and maturity help ground him in a way Eddie’s heated trait never would. Having Josh around grounds him and makes him feel that, more than having to give something of himself, he can just be an anchor and a familiar, soothing sight.

“Josh, huh? I take it things are going well?”

Buck smiles bashfully and lowers his gaze. “I think I might be falling in love with him” he tells him softly, blushing slightly.

“Yeah?” Eddie says gently. “That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

Buck grins brightly at him. A sun of its own. “Thank you”. He intertwines their fingers together. “I’m forever and always in love with you, too. You know that, right?”

Eddie’s thumb comes to brush his fingers. “Oh, I know.”

“Is it okay?” Buck asks. There’s uncertainty in his voice, as though verbalising it might mean taking the risk of breaking something soft and fragile.

Eddie smiles reassuringly to him. “You being happy and feeling whole and loved is everything I care about. Don’t tell Christopher I said that.”

“Oh, you big softie, you. Who knew that’s what was hiding behind the whole ‘I fight in arenas with my big muscles and only grunts when feelings are mentioned’ persona” Buck grins cheekily. And if there’s still a spark of uncertainty in his eyes, oh, well, Eddie knows better than to push it right this moment. He’s come to understand that’s not the way to go with Buck. What he needs is all those little, continuous things that remind him that there are people in his life who love him and are in it for the long haul.

(Buck’s issues with abandonment are not something they will fix only with words of reassurance. Their love for Buck is a story of trials and tribulation. Of trying and failing to match his’ but learning and understanding. It’s showing it to him, sometimes pushing him so he’ll get to see what’s right in front of him, mostly just bringing it to him quietly, small gifts in return for the endless stream of his love for them. It’s small touches and spontaneous texts and words spoken softly in the night, the 118 settling around a table and enjoying the food he cooked with Bobby, the Grant’s calls of “Uncle Buck!” every time they’re invited over for a holiday dinner and May is back in town. It's Christopher’s reassuring touch on his jaw the way only this boy knows how, telling them both “it’ll be okay, kid” as though they’re the ones who have the growing up to do. It’s Maddie calling him after her shifts and telling him to get his ass over there so baby Elena can see her uncle). 

“Oh, shut up. You’re such an annoying prat” he replies, rolling his eyes. His hand squeezes Buck’s though, reminding him that he’s here and he’s not going anywhere.

“Maybe. But you love me anyway." The cheekiness is still here but the uneasiness has started fading away. Eddie considers it a win.

He presses Buck’s knuckles against his lips in a gentle kiss. “I do.”

**

The firehouse is empty when he gets there, the team currently on shift probably gone on a call. Eddie is two hours early for his shift. He doesn’t hesitate as he makes his way purposefully to the workout area once he's done changing in the locker room.

He puts on his bandages and boxing gloves and soon the firehouse is silent except for the sound of his breathing, getting heavier by the second, and the reverberating thud of his fists hitting the punching ball.

It’s not that he didn’t expect something like this would happen at some point. It’s not that he doesn’t expect Buck not to date. It’s not that he thinks Buck belongs to him because that’s not it. 

Still, when Buck told him he was thinking about asking Josh out it stung. It woke something in Eddie he wasn’t sure he knew how to deal with. All he knew is, he has a bad record of dealing with the fear of losing Buck.

Because that’s it, isn't it? That’s what he’s scared will happen. That Buck will drift away from him. From _them_. From him and Christopher. And that… That’s something he can’t deal with. Doesn’t know how. It makes his blood boil and his mind stumble. 

He moves and he shuffles and he hits until his arms are hurting so badly and his breathing is so loud he can’t hear his own thoughts anymore. He pushes himself past that limit and keeps on hitting the bag until it’s his legs that tell him to stop. By the time he’s done he’s exhausted and he knows he’ll regret it if ever they have really demanding calls but he doesn’t care. His legs are trembling and he collapses on the bench, the weight of his own body too much to carry. He knows he should probably drink water and stretch after almost an hour and a half of punching in a bag but he can’t bring himself to care.

“Well, look who’s here early.”

Eddie startles and twists so he’s facing the newcomer. Bobby’s watching him curiously from where he’s propped up against one of the firehouse’s pillar. 

“Hi, Bobby” Eddie sighs, running a tired hand over his face. 

"What's going on with you? And don't give me the whole 'I'm fine' routine because we both know that's bullshit" his captain tells him as he moves to sit next to him.

Eddie bits his lips, hesitant. He's scared if he opens up now all his fears will come pouring out and he won't be able to stop the flood.

"Does it happen to have something to do with Buck asking Josh out?" Bobby asks him, an amused smile playing on his lips.

Eddie stares at him owlishly. "Wh... How did... I... How did you know?" he splutters helplessly. 

Bobby claps a strong hand on his shoulder and grins, his amusement clearly visible now. "Buck came to me for advice on where to take him."

Eddie smiles fondly. Off course he did. 

"I'm not... I'm not jealous. I'm just..." he tries, struggling to find the words.

"Scared?" Bobby supplies easily.

"Yeah."

Bobby hums in understanding.

“What you two have is special. It’s unique. Buck loves you. But moreover, he loves Christopher. He would never do anything that would get in the way of that. Not after almost losing you both with the tsunami and then that whole lawsuit debacle” Bobby states. And Eddie knows that. Deep down, he knows. Doesn’t mean he’s not terrified it will happen anyway. 

“But what if it’s not enough? What if we don’t have what he’s looking for or what if he can’t find what he wants with us anymore?”

Bobby is quiet for a little while, seemingly searching for the right words. “I don’t think it’s about being enough or not. Buck chose you long before he was over Abby or anyone else came into his life. He _chose_ to make you his family in a way he hasn’t anybody else” Bobby stresses, and puts a hand up before Eddie can interrupt him, effectively silencing him. “And yes, I know what you’re going to say: he’s done that with the entirety of the 118. It’s not a secret that he sees me as a father figure, or Chimney as the annoying big brother he’s always dreamed of and Hen as the cool, wise cousin or something along those lines. But the way you and Chris fit in his make-up family has always and will always be special. Buck knows that and he knows it confidently enough that he’s not scared to let anyone else take up space in his life because he has no doubt it will never call your relationship into question.”

Eddie is thoughtful for a moment, pondering on what he needs and wants and on how Buck fits in all of this.

“Do you think our relationship is weird?”

Bobby seems taken aback by his question. “What do you mean?”

Eddie swallows uncomfortably. God does he hate talking about his feelings. “Like. Most people would expect us to be a couple at this point, right?” he begins, shuffling awkwardly where he’s still sitting on the bench. “But we aren’t. And we don’t feel the need to be? I mean”. He swallows again. “Do you think we’re like, in denial about the nature of our relationship or, I don’t know, setting ourselves up for failure?”

Bobby nods and his brow furrows. “Do you think you need to be? A couple, I mean.”

Eddie stares pensively at a spot on a wall. “No, I don’t think we do. I don’t think our relationship needs to be defined in a specific way for it to work out. It never has.”

Bobby smiles knowingly. “There. See? You have nothing to worry about. The three of you will be just fine and I’m sure you can trust Buck to find a way to make this change of dynamic work out.”

The younger man bits his lips. “I do trust Buck. And I want him to be happy. I’m just not sure I trust myself.”

Bobby laughs. “You know for the longest time we used to think you two were just clueless but I don’t think that’s it anymore. I think the way your relationship is suits you and you don’t feel the need to change it. Is that right?”

“Yes” Eddie states. He doesn’t have to think twice about it. He knows it. He can feel how right his relationship with Buck is deep down to his core. It’s something he’s always been sure of. They’re Buck and Eddie, Eddie and Buck and that’s something even the cruelest wave wouldn’t be able crush. It’s amenable and ever-changing, sometimes mellow sometimes fierce. Just like the ocean, it never cease to move. _Alive_.

Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder and their eyes meet. His are full of reassuring confidence. “See? You’re going to be just fine.”

**

Eddie wakes up to the faint sound of coffee brewing and the unfamiliar quietness of crutches not making their way around the house. It's a Saturday morning like any other except for Chris being gone overnight to a math club tournament in San Jose.

Sometimes he has trouble getting used to the idea that his little boy isn’t so little anymore and travels all over California for those championships. He tells him this year they might make it to the nationals and the idea of Chris being in a state that’s neither California nor Texas without any member of his family is making his skin crawl. Who in their right mind thinks fifteen years old children travelling with only a teacher’s supervision is a good idea? Have they met teenagers? 

Buck hasn’t been any help with this, too, not handling it any better. In fact, he’s been taking it even worse, checking his phone every five minutes in-between checking Eddie’s to make sure Chris hasn’t tried to call them or text them and scrutinising his social media platforms and listing everything that could go wrong out loud. He’s been insufferable, to put it lightly, and Eddie’s so glad for Maddie, Chim and Josh’s combined efforts to distract him from his own restlessness enough it will stop fuelling Eddie’s.

He can’t help but grin at the memories of the previous night and the picture of Chim and Maddie throwing popcorn at Buck every time he distracted himself from the movie they were watching by clearly thinking about their son and started fidgeting and of Josh shushing him with a finger on his lips every time he tried to steer the conversation towards Chris. He’d looked rightfully outraged each time and at some point it’d become more a running gag than anything else, the four of them ganging up on him until eventually Josh had taken pity on him and sided with him.

(And so what if it’d ended up into a alcohol-induced snacks battle as the end credits of _Aliens_ \- which the Buckleys had, off course, never seen before - were rolling into the background. They were all adults weren’t they? There was nobody here to scold them but themselves).

Thinking about the night before has him wincing internally though, dreading all the cleaning up there is to do. 

He sits up with a groan, the muscles in his shoulders stiff. He can hear Buck’s voice in his head telling him to stretch more. It’d be endearing if Buck wasn’t so insufferably smug every time he told him so, usually right after Eddie complained about being sore. 

He gets up and makes his way into the kitchen. He finds Josh sitting at the island, nursing a cup of coffee. He looks up groggily from the milky drink when Eddie enters the room, smiling blearily to him. His eyes are still a bit puffy from sleep and his usually neatly brushed hair is going up in spikes left and right.

“Good morning Eddie” he says, stifling a yawn.

Eddie smirks amusedly to him as he gets to the cupboard and takes his mug out. “Late night?”

Josh blushes slightly at the innuendo. He should be used to it by now, what with the 118 gang having no filter when it comes to teasing their friends, but even after almost five years of dating Buck, he’s still shy to their banter. They never push it too far (not with him, anyway. Buck is another story altogether. But then again, teasing Buck is its own special form of declaration of love).

“Yeah, actually. Maddie and Chim stayed a bit longer after you went to bed and then Buck got it in his mind to start cleaning up after they left so I stayed up and helped” he says, rolling his eyes.

Eddie chuckles as he pours himself a cup of coffee and comes to sit down next to the other man. “Off course he did” he mutters, shaking his head. “You humour him too much. Don’t you get tired of his antics?”

Josh grins knowingly at him. “Do you?”

They smile connivingly to each other. They’re both thinking about the 118’s Buckaroo and his family’s reactions to his little quirks. “You know I don’t. But I follow begrudgingly and after a good batch of grumbling. You just… go willingly.”

Josh shrugs, bringing his mug to his lips. “You know one of the things I’ve always loved the most about him is how he always manages to make me feel light-hearted and carefree. Him being so unabashedly himself reminds me that I’m allowed to be, too. But I think you understand that, don’t you?”

Eddie nods pensively. Buck has this way of wearing his heart and his soul on his sleeve that makes you want to be as open and as bold as he is. He’s the kind of person that takes a leap of faith with every one he’s decided to love and who’d make you believe it’s as easy as breathing. When it’s your turn and you’re standing on the edge, afraid to fall, his gentle smile and solid hands are there to catch you.

Eddie used to be so scared to fall. He’s a little bit less each day that Buck is in his life. 

“Yes”. He takes a gulp of his coffee and sighs in satisfaction. “Thanks for the coffee, man.” 

“No problem. It’s the least I can do considering this is your house.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Ah, Josh. Don’t give me that. You’re more than welcomed here, you oughta know that by now. It’s not just my place. It’s Buck’s. So as long as he wants you here please, make yourself comfortable.”

Josh smiles sheepishly into his coffee. “Yeah, you’re right. But it’s been a while since I came over so I didn’t want to intrude. I’m glad to know it’s not the case.”

Eddie pats him on the back. “Off course it’s not. How was your trip to Georgia by the way? You got back last week right?”

Josh’s face turns a bit sour. “It was… not as terrible as it could have been”. He pauses, seemingly searching for the right words. “My father, he never came around the… you know. Gay thing” he explains, pointing to himself in an all encompassing gesture. “So it’s a lot of tiptoeing around things and avoiding the heavy subjects. Well, you get the general idea. I suppose Buck told you how he acted when they met two years ago? It wasn’t pretty.”

Eddie winces. “Yeah. He told me it almost came down to a fist fight, huh? I don’t know how he kept his temper, to be honest. I probably would have lashed out way before he did.”

“Well, he’s a saint.”

Eddie is about to nod when a “you’re damn right” has them both jerk in surprise. They turn to the kitchen’s entrance where Buck’s laying against the doorframe, arms crossed over a shirtless torso and a cocky grin playing on his lips.

“So” he continues, pushing himself off the doorframe and exposing his perfectly ripe body in that annoying, ‘I know exactly what I’m doing’ Evan Buckley way. “Missing me so much you can’t help but talk about me while I’m still asleep?”

“Oh, shut up” Eddie rolls his eyes while Josh just laughs wholeheartedly.

“Hey! Don’t be mean so early in the morning” Buck pouts.

“It’s already way past nine” Eddie deadpans, succeeding in having Josh double back in laughter.

“It’s _Saturday_ and we’re not working! It’s early!” Buck exclaims as though Eddie just told him he owned him his first newborn. He makes his way to them and runs a soothing hand through Josh’s hair. “Hi” he whispers, dropping a peck on the other man’s lips before turning to Eddie and doing the same.

“Hi. There should be enough coffee left in the pot” Josh tells him.

Buck smiles brightly to him. “Aww. You know the way to a man’s heart” he jokes, making his way over to the counter and pouring himself a cup. 

Eddie smirks. “We waited for you for breakfast though. That way you can cook it.”

Buck rolls his eyes but moves so he’s standing right between them both. “Letting me do all the hard work, huh? Can’t say I’m surprised” he answers. He runs a hand down Eddie’s back absentmindedly before grabbing his cup of coffee with it. He leans into him when the older man’s arm settles around his middle and the hand that’s not holding his cup find its way to Josh’s.

Eddie can’t help but marvel at how simple, serene all of this is. 

“So, how are the preparations for the five years anniversary going?” he asks, breaking his own train of thoughts.

Josh shrugs helplessly. “I have no idea. He won’t let me help or take any part in it, actually.”

Buck’s eyes twinkle from the other side of the kitchen island, where he moved to sit sometimes while Eddie was lost in thoughts. “Dude! It can’t be a grand gesture if you know all about it!"

Eddie grins wolfishly at Josh. "Well, good luck with that."

**

Eddie is with Bosko when he gets the call from Maddie.

They got this thing for the past seven years where they meet up at their favourite crappy bar downtown at least once a month, get shitfaced, play some pool together, talk about their feelings without really talking about them, get even more shitfaced and moon over their respective significant others while pretending they aren’t cause feelings are gross. They end up daring each to do dumb things at two in the morning and calling either Buck or Casey or both, not making much sense and slurring out half-sentences such as “I love… you… ‘ve t’ mos’ beautiful eyes and I… love you… b’ I’m too badass for feelings though so d… don’t tell anyon… oh, shit, Ed... Eddie’s throwing up” laughing while reaching sounds can be heard in the background or “Buuuuuuuck” - giggling - “Buck, Lena it’s Buck!” - more giggling - “Buck you are _so_ pretty how can you be so pretty it’s not fair” - giggling intensifies in the background - “Its Buck!”. At this point they’re usually (always) both way to drunk to drive so Buck and Casey end up having to pick them up from where they’re generally sitting on the sidewalk huddled together and still giggling like teenagers or sprawling on top of each other in their booth and sputtering gibberish. 

What neither of them foresees is that those monthly escapades bring Casey and Buck close to the point where one day they’re not just the friend’s partner but are friends, actually. And then it goes downhill from there because Buck and Casey’s brains brought together brings a chaotic good energy in their whole dynamic nobody - and certainly not Eddie nor Lena - was ready for. They don’t regret it, per see, but that one time they almost set fire to Eddie and Buck’s place trying to help Chris with his science project or that other time they try to make a whole meal entirely green using their knowledge of chemistry they kind of do. 

In their younger years they might have started bar fights once or twice until the day Buck and Casey ganged up on the two of them and they had no choice but to promise these get together wouldn’t include fighting random strangers anymore.

It’s not that they couldn’t resist the puppy eyes, but. Frankly, Eddie had always been a sucker for big blue eyes pleading to him. And Lena can say whatever she wants but he knows damn well what Casey fluttering their eyelashes at her does to her.

That time they’re not at a bar though. Casey is upstate for a get together with their college friends and Buck’s been gone for the past two days. Josh's father just died and the Buckleys decided to make the trip with him so he wouldn’t be alone with his less than supportive extended family, his sister having categorically refused to come and his partner being unable to take time off. They’ve been texting each other on and off throughout the whole thing and Eddie knows it’s been a draining couple of days, especially for Josh. They’re supposed to fly back the next morning and Chris is spending the night at his abuela. Eddie had figured getting plastered at a bar too far away to walk back home wasn’t the best of idea so they’d decided to bring their monthly quality time to Bosko’s place. 

Eddie brought beers but Bosko’s got some fine whisky she brings out after they’ve binged through two packs already and by the time the clock strikes midnight he’s feeling more than a little tipsy.

The only reason he’s anywhere near his phone when it rings is because they’ve been digging through Youtube in order to find the most absurd MMA videos they can.

Maddie’s name flashing on his screen sobers him up instantly though. “Hello? Maddie? Is everything alright?” he picks up and gets off the couch, starts pacing Bosko’s living room without even noticing. He can sense her gaze piercing though him but he doesn’t look at her.

“ _Hi, Eddie. I’m sorry to bother you so late, it’s, hum…_ ”

“You’re not bothering me, don’t worry. What’s going on? Is Buck… Are Buck and Josh okay?” he asks, his voice oozing with concern. He doesn’t want to assume the worst but why else would she be calling him this late at night? Especially since Josh’s family lives somewhere in the Bible belt which means it must be two or three o’clock where she is. Eddie can feel panic growing fast inside of him. He takes a big gulp of hair and clenches his fist. He has to keep his cool otherwise it won’t do any of them any good.

“ _They… Oh, god. There’s no right way to say it. They got assaulted, Eddie, I…_ ” Her voice breaks. Eddie freezes, almost dropping his phone. Lena gets up and in an instant she’s next to him, clasping his shoulder, grounding him to this time and space. Eddie glances thankfully at her but he's too engrossed in the panic rising in his stomach to really be able to acknowledge the gesture.

" _They're gonna be okay, Eddie. I'm sorry, it's where I should have started but I... I tried to call 911 but they threw my phone away and by the time I ran to call for help it... Buck took them both on - you know how he is - and he... he's got three fractured ribs and a nasty cut over his right eye and he hit his head pretty badly. He's got a concussion and the doctors here want to keep him overnight so we're gonna have to come back a day later. That's why I'm calling you I thought you should know and I didn't want to leave you in the dark. They’re gonna be okay though. It could have been so much worst._ “

Eddie's mind can barely function properly enough to form a response and he doesn't even feel nearly as relieved as he should be to hear Buck's gonna be fine. Lena's firm hand on his shoulder is there to remind him to stay afloat, though. "Huh. Thank you for telling me Maddie. How are you feeling?"

She chuckles nervously. " _A bit shaken up, honestly._ “

"Yeah, I can imagine. Are you gonna manage all by yourself?"

" _Yeah. I've got this. And Chimney's been facetiming me for the past two hours_."

"That's good. Is Josh gonna be okay?” he lets out, swallowing with difficulties over the lump in his throat.

“ _Yes. He’s got some bad bruising on his ribs but I’m more worried about how he blames himself for what happened to Buck. Well. You know how it is. They’re both asleep right now but I'll text you when they wake up._ “

"Ok. You should try to catch some sleep. I'll call you in the morning, alright?"

" _Yes. I'll keep you updated. Take care of yourself, Eddie._ “

"You, too. Take care of each other, too." 

She hangs up and Eddie puts his phone back in his pocket. Lena barely has the time to ask "Eddie, what happen..." before he's turning around and making his way to the door.

"Eddie, wait!" Lena shouts. She's by the door before he is, baring him from leaving.

"Let me out" he snarls, anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach.

Lena puffs her chest up, unimpressed. She might be shorter than him but she always had this way of towering over him. "No fucking way, Eddie. Not before you tell me what happened."

"Buck's got beaten up, that's what happened! He got beaten up and I wasn't there to protect him! To protect neither of them!" he tells her, eyes bulging.

Lena stares at him impassively. "And what do you plan on doing at almost one in the morning while they're the other side of the country? Flying over there to beat the shit out of the people who did this to him?"

"Yes! No! I don't know!" he shouts, tearing his hair out. He's fidgeting, pent up energy making him want to let go of the carefully crafted control he's built over the years. "I have to do something! He's hurting!"

Lena's expression smooths. "Right now the best thing you can do is calm down. You'll help him when he gets back and he needs taken care of."

Eddie's anger flares. "You don't..."

"If you tell me 'you don't get it' I will punch you so hard in your pretty face you won't be able to chew for a week, Diaz" Lena cuts him coldly. Her gaze is burning with barely contained fury. "What do you think, that I've never been harassed before? Do you know how many times I had to take care of Casey's wounds after they'd been assaulted in the street or at a bar because their insurance won't cover aggression outside of their workplace or because they're too scared they won't receive care if they go to a hospital, even though we live in LA? Do you think I don't know what it's like, to be sick with worry and watching helplessly as the ones you love get hurt?"

Eddie deflates at that, the fight leaving his body at once. "I'm sorry" he whispers, lowering his head in shame. "I know you do. I shouldn't have gone there, I'm sorry."

Lena just grunts and silence settles between them. Eventually she rolls her eyes and pushes him playfully on the shoulder. "Whatever Diaz. Apologies accepted. Now come on, let's gear up."

Eddie's head shouts up in confusion. "What?"

"You want a fight? Oh, we're gonna fight alright. I'm gonna kick your ass and then we can go back to drinking whisky and you not digging holes in your own hands with how bad you're clenching them."

Eddie blinks, nonplussed. He glances at his hands and only notices then that they are indeed clenched at his sides and that the inside of his palms is starting to throb a little. When he unfolds them he can see he's drawn blood from how hard he's been digging his nails into the flesh. 

He looks back up at Lena again, closing and opening his fists slowly. "You're on" he tells her, smirking in anticipation.

They might have found other outlets throughout the years but if there's something they both know is that desperate times calls for desperate measures and that sometime an heartfelt sparring session with one of your best friend is the only thing that can hold you together.

**

Eddie gets back home to find Buck sitting on the couch, his legs tucked under his arms and his eyes staring into nothing. There's a plate of last night's dinner left untouched in front of him. It's been there for a while, if the dry appearance of it is any indication.

His eyes are puffy and he looks miserable. He's obviously been crying which makes Eddie's stomach squirm with worry.

"Evan? What happened?" he asks in a frenzy, making his way to the couch in two huge strides. He crouches next to him and slowly raises a hand until it's rubbing his arm, almost as though he's trying to tame a wild animal.

"What happened, _querido_?" he asks again, softer this time. "You know you can tell me anything right?"

There's a weight resting heavy on his shoulders as Buck remains silent, seemingly too overwhelmed by whatever happened to speak. Eddie wishes he could pry him open and settle inside of him, an eternal comfort surrounding his precious, fragile heart. 

He hates seeing Buck like this. Hates seeing him hurt, not physically but _emotionally_. 

He used to hate how careless Buck was with his feelings, too. How he would let them flow for anyone who'd show even a little bit of interest. It was so easy then to use him and leave him and he hated how much people had hurt him that way, by taking what Buck offered them and never giving anything back. As though Buck wasn't deserving of all the love and care and dedication in the world. As though his love was something to drain out of him rather than nourish. 

It used to make him so angry, too, the way people would carelessly take from him. The first and only time he'd seen Abby he'd wanted to yell at her, to tell her "how could you take something so good and throw it away like this?". But he'd known then it was not his role to do so. Especially since he'd been careless with Buck's love more than once, too. Even without realising it.

It used to terrify him, too, to know that he was the receptacle of that. That he'd made himself a space in Buck's heart and that the younger man would be ready to tear it out for him if he asked him. It was so much easier at first to try and push him away rather than acknowledge that maybe he didn't know what to do with what Buck wanted to give to him. That maybe he was scared he didn't have what it took in him to give back.

He'd doubted himself so many times but Buck's faith in him had never wavered. 

Because that's who Buck is. An optimistic, caring person always ready to face your shortcomings head on and accept you as you are. 

"Josh and I broke up."

Eddie startles, pulled out from his thoughts by the sound of Buck's wrecked, sob-ridden croak. He looks up to where the other man is still folded in on himself on the couch and his heart aches. He hasn't heard Buck this devastated in a very, very long time.

"I'm... I'm so sorry Buck". He really is. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" he adds slowly, letting it unravel on his tongue. Letting Buck know he can take all the time he needs.

He can't say he's not surprised. They'd seemed pretty fine last time he'd seen them together and Buck hadn't mention any kind of tension between them.

His best friend doesn't say anything for a long time. Eddie lets him, running his thumb in soothing circles where his hand is still resting on Buck's forearm. He's getting cramps in his legs but he's afraid to rattle him even more if he moves.

"You remember Martin?" Buck gulps out eventually, his voice barely above a whisper.

Eddie frowns in confusion. "That guy Josh met a couple of years ago? The one fighting for his kids' custody?"

Buck nods, worrying at his bottom lip. Eddie wants to smooth it over with his mouth so he'll stop. "Well, he won the lawsuit around six months ago."

Eddie tilts his head inquisitively, still not sure where Buck's taking him with this. He's got a vague idea though. "And so what? They've been seeing each other since then and Martin's not okay with him seeing anyone else or something like that?"

Buck shrugs, looking utterly defeated. "Something like that."

"What do you mean?"

Buck's face contort into something nasty then. Something that looks a lot like resentment. "Well, they didn't get together right away you know. Martin was still battling his ex-wife for his children and he wasn't ready to be in any kind of relationship". Eddie nods along but doesn't interrupt. "And after the lawsuit he wasn't quite ready at first but, you know, Josh was his friend and he didn't care as long as he got to spend time with him and the kids, right?"

"Right."

"And then Martin kissed him a couple of weeks afterwards and Josh was so confused and then they talked about it and Martin told him he'd been in love with him this whole time but was afraid his ex would use that against him somehow."

Eddie hums in agreement. "Yeah, I see."

"Josh wasn't sure about what he wanted at first. I told him... I told him that if it made him happy, there was no way I was getting in their way and he knew it". Buck swallows painfully. "He said he thought... he might have been falling for him the whole time. But that it didn't mean he didn't love me anymore though."

Eddie's hand moves from his arm to his leg, trying to sooth the shaking that's been taking it over for the past couple of minutes.

"Except that it apparently wasn't enough" Buck adds bitterly, "because even though Martin knew he was with someone and said it was okay at first last week he told him he couldn't deal with the thought of Josh being with someone else. Like that. Out of the blue. Like they hadn't been seeing each other this whole damn time with him knowing Josh was in a long-term relationship."

Eddie pinches his lips tightly together. "Maybe he tried to convince himself otherwise to make Josh happy."

Buck snarls. "Yeah, whatever". Their gazes meet then and he seems to lose all the fight in him instantly. "I... I love him Eddie. Why couldn't it be enough?" he pleads, his voice breaking on the last word. "He told me he loved me but still it wasn't enough. _I_ wasn't enough."

"Buck..."

"No, no. Listen. I sat next to him and I listened as he explained and I told him how I felt but still I let it happen. I didn't fight for him. He told me he had to take a shot at this because he'd probably never have that chance again. He told me that he loved me but that... that Martin was offering him something I'd never be able to give him. A family of his own."

"Buck, listen..."

"Why couldn't I be enough, Eddie? I loved him, why couldn't it be enough?" he cries and Eddie wants so badly for him to stop hurting. Wants to say, no, to shout at the top of his lungs that Buck is more than enough. That he's everything. That he's _his_ everything and that it can be enough if he wants to. But he knows that's not something Buck is ready to hear right now.

So he says something else instead.

"Buck. Who do you put first?"

The younger man blinks at him in confusion. "What? I..."

"If there's a fire and you can only save one person. Who will you choose?"

Buck frowns. "I... Why would you ask me that? I'd try to save as many people as I can no matter what."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Off course you would. But humour me. Who's the one person you'd save above all?"

Buck's eyes light up in comprehension as he realises where Eddie's going with this.

"Christopher" they both say at the same time. 

Eddie nods. "Yes, Christopher. I don't know when you've made that choice but at some point you decided he would be your priority and you never wavered from that. That's why I asked you to move in with us and to adopt him. Josh knows that. And he loves you for it. But maybe he's at a point in his life where he needs to build this kind of thing for himself and he knows it won't be with you because you've made your choice a long time ago."

Buck's eyes widen as the weight of what Eddie told him settles. "Oh."

Eddie moves to sit down on the couch and tentatively puts an arm around the other man's shoulder. He starts tracing patterns on Buck's collarbone and the younger firefighter nestles into the touch. "Yeah. I'm sure it's not that he didn't want to choose you as well, if things had been different, alright? But he was never gonna ask you to give up your family in order to get one of your own with him. He knew you wouldn't have. Because..."

"Because I put Christopher first. Because I promised myself I would never let him down again after the lawsuit and that's a promise I can't keep if I'm not in his life". He takes his head in his hands. "Gosh, I am so selfish. Wanting Josh to give up on having a family of his own when I wouldn't."

Eddie shakes his head and presses him closer against him. "You're not selfish Buck. You love him and you wanted this to work. Now you're heartbroken because it hasn't and you're frustrated because loving each other isn't the problem yet it doesn't fix things. But sometimes - most of the time - relationships aren't just about love. Sometimes they don't work out for other reasons. And it's maddening but it doesn't mean you are being selfish for wishing it had."

Buck sobs. "I just can't believe I'm losing him too."

Eddie's face falls and his heart aches. "Oh, Buck..." he mutters, kissing his temple. He stays there a little longer than necessary, trying to convey all his love in one little kiss. "You're not gonna lose him. Josh cares about you and he's Maddie's best friend. There's no way this is the end of everything. It is simply the end of one relationship in favour of the beginning of another."

At first he's worried Buck's not ready to hear what he just said - he hasn't moved. Eventually though, he lets out a heavy sigh and lifts his head up. His eyes are rimmed red but he smiles timidly at him. "I asked him if we could still be friend" he tells him softly. "He said there's nothing that would make him happier."

Eddie cups the younger man's face in his hand and smiles tentatively to him, rubbing his thumb over his cheekbone. Buck leans into the familiar touch. "See? You're gonna be okay. You've got us and we're not going anywhere. Neither is he. Neither is Maddie or anyone in the 118. I'm here, Buck. I'm right here."

Buck closes his eyes. "You promise?" he lets out, bashful, a remnant of darker days. Eddie wants to tug him into his arms and weave them together so that he'll engulf Buck in so much warmth and security he will never feel scared and insecure again. 

"Yes. I promise. I will stay, and if I ever get lost I promise I will always find my way back to you."

**Author's Note:**

> pfiou. here. we. are! i do think i'm done writing for this particular universe 🤔 but we never know and if i do get the inspiration to write more it will be added to the series!
> 
> once again i am editing this at an ungodly hour and i'm not a native speaker so if you see any mistake please do tell me (i've read it over four times and i still manage to find typos i 😭)! comments and kudos are always welcomed as they fuel my broken writer ego <3
> 
> i'm over [here](https://deciduousellie.tumblr.com) if you ever want to come and holler some buddie headcanons at me 🌌


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